Julianne was born two weeks early, after an uncomplicated pregnancy and delivery. Two hours after birth she began seizing.
She was whisked to the NICU and after a 10 minute seizure, and lots of
anti-seizure meds later they were able to get it under control. For her first two days of life, she was barely awake, due to the heavy medication she was on, so feeding at this stage was out of the question. I was continuously pumping and getting my breast ready for when I could feed her.
When she was two days old she had another seizure - this time 20 minutes long. Again they had to give her lot of anti-seizure meds so I had to postpone feeding her. They started tube feeding her when she was 3 days old using the milk I was expressing for her. By five days old I was finally ready to put her at the breast. At every feed I tried with nurses helping to get her to latch, but Julianne had difficulties catching on.
At nine days old we were finally able to take Julianne home from the hospital. She hadn't had a seizure in a week and was gaining weight. By this time I would put her to the breast she would try to suck, then I would express and my husband would bottle feed her some of the milk I had stored.
For three weeks after leaving the hospital this method for feeding Julianne continued. Unfortunately Julianne started drinking more than I could produce. I remember crying and being really stressed. Not only was I spending all my time expressing so she could have enough, but my husband was getting all the close bonding times during the bottle feedings.
At her first appointment with her pediatric neurologist I explained what was happening with our feeding and that Julianne still would not suck very well. Not only with the breast but with bottles as well. After checking her over, the neurologist explained that Julianne was missing her basic newborn reflexes. If she learned to use them it could take months.
Not only did I constantly have do deal with her seizures (she continued to seize at least once a week), but I was suffering from postpartum depression. I hadn't had any bonding time with my now four week old baby. My husband had to quit school so he could transfer from the army reserves to the regular force and I couldn't continue my schooling.
Once the feeding decision was taken out of my hands, I was actually able to relax. I warmed up her bottles and was able just to sit back and hold, cuddle and enjoy watching her as I fed her. And I continued holding her while I fed her a bottle until she was 15 months old.
I now have four beautiful children and three of the four were born with "Infant Epilepsy", having seizures just hours after birth and all having the same difficulties feeding that Julianne did. So I did what I could. I expressed in the hospital so they got my colostrum, and switched to formula for them after my milk came in.
For me this was the best thing I could have done. Knowing the seizures were going to be stressful enough, I had to do what was going to make me a better mother. With this weight lifted from from my chest, I got to thoroughly enjoy the life of a newborn. My maternal bond with them was instant, and I was in love.
Of course I had to deal with the back lash and the disapproving looks and comments from not only breastfeeding mothers, but even nurses in the
hospital. But I took solace in the fact that I was enjoying feeding my children and they were happy and healthy. I learned to ignore other peoples ignorance, because they did not know my story. Eventually I stopped explaining to people, because for me, no matter what the reason, breast was not best.