My pregnancy came as a real surprise. We had lost the love but I guess still managed to have an intimate relationship when we felt like it. When I found out I was pregnant I was over the moon. I took the news as being a miracle baby, and for me it was meant to be. The day before I found out about Isabella, I had wanted to end our relationship as the continuous fighting had taken its toll. I was worn out. I guess in hind sight it was me feeling all the emotions and angst that comes with morning sickness. I tossed and turned in the middle of the night wondering if I was capable of bringing up a baby then child on my own. I had always been fiercely adamant that I would have the perfect scenario, white picket fence and all. I would never be a single mum. I would be married, in a beautiful home, and my life, plan and thoughts would happen.
Not to be.
My pregnancy with Isabella was relatively easy; the joy I felt when she moved inside for the first time was immense. When I found out I was having a girl Mum was away at the world cup in France. I rang her to tell her the news and she couldn't stop crying, she so hoped I would have a girl, especially because I had chosen to be on my own. My Mum, my sister and I were all elated.
Then the time arrived for Isabella to be born. My birth plan involved my incredibly supportive mum and sister. I was induced and at the time so excited about the impending birth of my baby girl. It would all be perfect. I didn't want drugs unless I was screaming for them. I could do it. No drugs required! So I thought. I was induced at 8 am in the morning. Wow I thought this is easy, a few niggly pains but I can control them. My specialist said ‘Sarah you are not dilating’. They gave me some more gel. I was still comfortable; all I thought about was the end result and my baby girl being born and looking at me and the intense love that we would feel.
Not to be!!!
I sent mum home, nothing was happening, no point in all of us being tired. With my sister sleeping in an arm chair next to me I could ride through the pain.
Then things starting happening pretty fast, I was in agony. The hospital midwife told me I was 2cms dilated, and put me on gas and pethadine. My waters broke, okay panic starting setting in. I was then advised the delivery suite was getting ready for me but delivery was still 6 or 7 hours away. The pain had now become unbearable. The midwife came down to women's assessment to get me. I was in a wheelchair, but in agony, asking her every 2 minutes to stop so I could stand and at the time never knew I was in third stage labour and bearing down. We got to delivery and I was screaming by this stage. I needed and wanted an epidural.
I went from 2cms dilated to Isabella coming out of me onto the ground. Eight minutes is all it took. I went into shock, how could this be? The perfect scenario had not happened. Mum had been rung by my sister and arrived at delivery to be told ‘you can't go in, there is blood everywhere, the baby has arrived, and your daughter is in shock’. My sister, because there was only the midwife who was doing the paper work for my epidural, back turned, had to pick Isabella up off the ground, and clamp her cord. Meanwhile, my specialist was saying don't worry Sarah still has still 6 or 7 hours to go and in delivery next door. My perfect scenario had not happened. My umbilical cord was only 20 cm long so that’s why I wasn't dilating. Isabella if you like had been on a bungy cord. And finally it had snapped. They are usually 1 to 2 metres long. Shit. In the days following Isabella decided she did not want to take milk from me, so I got it into my head I was a crap mum and not worthy of a beautiful baby. Unbeknown to me my mum and sister walked and cradled her for continuous hours to console her.
Midwifes and lactation consultations were there saying there is something wrong with you and your baby we'll fix her! Nipple shields were introduced, Isabella hated them to the extent she would scream for hours. I took this so personally, she hated me, I was a crap mum, I couldn't feed my baby.
We were discharged after four days in the high risk ward. Mum came to stay with us for two weeks. The days of feeding Isabella with a nipple shield became awful, I hated it and so did Isabella. The day Mum was going home she sensed something was not quite right with me, I said Mum I'm aching all over and became so teary. How could I tell my incredibly supportive mum not to go home? I felt so weak and anxious about us having our first night on our own. I had developed mastitis.
I guess what happened and helped was my wonderful Mum saying ‘darling if you are struggling so is Isabella’. So she rang my friend whose babies had been on formula and asked her advice. At 9pm my mum drove to the supermarket to get formula, just in case! In the middle of the night Mum fed her formula, I had switched off and was too delirious to worry about Isabella. She took the formula from Mum. My little girl had become my life, but I couldn't give her my breast milk. Surely she would die from being on formula, that’s what a midwife had told me.
My life had taken a huge turn. I was so low and didn't know how to ask for help. I was supposed to be a natural Mum, it’s all I ever wanted so why couldn't I cope? I couldn't cope because I wanted it all to be perfect, routine, feeds, my life could remain the same.
Not to be.
I was admitted to Auckland hospital. I became a cot case. I couldn't mentally look after or care for my baby girl. Could I change the situation? Could I make the pain go away? No, I couldn't. I was responsible, loving, and numb but I still had an immense love for the little soul that was so dependent on me.
So what did I do? I was so low mentally, and was now dehydrated. I was put on a drip to get my fluids back up. I was sore but continued to express and give Isabella formula. All lactation consultants were told to let me be by my specialist. My sister and mum took turns in feeding Isabella so I could try and get some rest and get better. I will never forget a midwife Brenda saying to me when we were leaving, ‘Sarah I know the story of how Isabella came into the world, she is so special, formula or breast please just take her home and love her’. That was the nicest thing anyone could have said to me in hospital. We hugged and left.
I still could not cope with the overwhelming responsibility I had for another human being. I had lived on my own, had never been paranoid about safety but now I didn't sleep every little noise made me anxious. I still felt an enormous wave of guilt because I couldn't breast feed, and I still didn't feel like we had bonded.
I went to my specialist again after my mum rang her so concerned about how I was feeling. I sat crying and shaking with my specialist, my sister outside with Isabella. I said I don't deserve this beautiful baby, I want this feeling to go away, I want my old life back. The darkest hours were in the middle of the night when I would cry for hours. In a 24 hour period I probably only slept for two hours. I would dread Isabella waking because of the feeding. When Mum left I fell apart. She rang and rang and I took the phone off the hook, praying that I would go to sleep and not wake up. My specialist cried with me and said ‘Sarah I am so sorry I wasn't there for you’. She explained to me that when you have a traumatic birth your body automatically goes into shock and you don't get the natural endorphins of bonding called the pinks, so what I was feeling was totally natural. She said ‘I need you to go a councillor’. I decided to say yes for Isabella and my family. But secretly I thought I'm nuts, I'm loopy, only losers need help.
After going to Pauline the councillor, who was so wonderful, I felt a weight had been lifted. I had shared my grief and talked it all through with a professional. She diagnosed me with post natal trauma and post natal depression. I was given medication and the side effects for about three weeks were terrible. No appetite, insomnia, paranoia, sweats and very thirsty. So I started a new roller coaster ride, but decided to stick with the medication and start sleeping pills that made me go to sleep but didn't wipe me out so I could still get up for Isabella.
Now Isabella is such a happy contented girl and totally formula fed. I now don’t need my mum here for reassurance and guidance; I am a single mum with a beautiful baby. I am now so proud of our achievements together, I know I can cope and Isabella and I share love!!! This is all I could ask for.
Please anyone out there suffering ask for help, also know you are not alone, breast or formula its okay. One of the biggest joys I have now is that she sleeps through the night, but my biggest joy is when I go in and pick her up and she is smiling so excited to see me, she knows who Mum is and that’s ME.